ladies man with a plan
by ohmyloki
Summary: "Here's your problem, Rogers. You've only been to first base with, what, one woman? That statistic is only okay if you're eleven," Tony sprawled his arm across the back of booth seat and took a sip of his whiskey." HIMYM inspired one-shot.


**A/N: Unbeta'd. :)**

"Here's your problem, Rogers. You've only been to first base with, what, one woman? That statistic is only okay if you're eleven," Tony sprawled his arm across the back of booth seat and took a sip of his whiskey. "But tonight we're going to change that. We're going to find you a pretty lady. Because, Steve Rogers, from this moment on, I make all of your decisions for you."

Steve sigh and rubbed his face with his hand. "I'm sorry. Why am I listening to you again? How did you even talk me into coming?"[[MORE]]

"I think he made some vague promises about new equipment and less backtalk on the field. I can't believe we fell for it," Clint lamented, his fingers tracing idle patterns in the condensation on the side of his mug.

Tony ignored Clint and went back to addressing Steve, "I've been teaching Clint the art of being a ladies man-"

Clint snorted.

"-And lucky you, I have room in my terribly busy schedule for one more student. Think of me as Yoda-"

"Who?" Steve asked.

"-Only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome! I'm your bro. I'm Broda-"

Either Tony was well on his way to being soused or he was referencing something Steve hadn't looked into yet. "I only understood about half of those words, Tony."

"-And tonight you're going to use the force to pick up the hottest chick in this bar." Tony finished, ignoring Steve's comments completely.

"He's going to use force? That sounds wrong, Broda," Clint said.

Tony rolled his eyes. "No. The force. It's a Star Wars reference, birdbrain."

"Ooooh," Steve said and mentally moved the movie to the top of his to-watch list. Clint snickered.

"So we should make lots of Star Wars references around girls, is that what you're saying?" Clint asked with wide, innocent eyes. Tony gave him a level look with one eyebrow raised.

"I'm not interested in picking up a girl at a bar, Tony," Steve said. He had his reasons. Good reasons, too. But he wasn't inclined to let Tony know them yet. He already liked to needle Steve about anything and everything, why give him more ammunition?

Tony's attention was abruptly shifted from Steve to the entrance of the bar. He tilted his sunglasses down-Seriously, Steve wondered, who wore sunglasses inside a bar? At night?-and was more than obvious in his appraisal of whomever had just walked in the door.

"Yes, Steve. Yes you are." He inclined his head and and pointed. "With the gorgeous young thing that just walked in. Just look at her."

"Tony, I don't think-"

"Of course you don't, Steve. Seriously. Just look at her!"

Steve sighed and craned his neck to look over his shoulder. Tony was right. She was gorgeous. Long, wavy brunette hair that shone in the bar light. Huge eyes and full lips that made Steve want to press his thumb into the soft flesh to see if they felt as good as they looked. The bright pink shirt she wore was modest in that it showed little actual skin, but it clung to her in an almost obscene way that made Steve sit up a little bit straighter and his mouth actually start to water. Breathtaking, he thought.

He turned back to Tony and did his best earnest-face. Most people were inclined to think Steve naive but he knew what weapons he held in his arsenal. He was a master tactician though, he knew when to keep them in reserve and when to use them. And this was the perfectly opportunity to use them.

"Geez. She really is somethin' isn't she?" He asked Tony. He shook his head, a little bashful, and rubbed the back of his neck as he snuck another peak over his shoulder. The girl was at the bar now, talking to the bartender and laughing about something he had said. "What do you think, Clint? Should I go for it?"

Clint was nearly as masterful as Steve, his expression betraying no hint of what he felt. "I don't know, Steve. Girl like her... She might be a little out of your league."

Tony was watching with rapt and gleeful attention.

"You know what? I don't care. I know you guys think I'm some old fuddy-duddy. I think I should go talk to her."

"Yes!" Tony sat up straighter, clearly excited. "Yes! Pep talk time! Steve, you can do this! But to be more accurate you probably can't-"

"Never let it be wondered why Steve is the one to give the team their briefing before a mission," Clint said.

"-You're seventy years out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So just remember that tonight isn't about getting her in bed. It's about believing that you can do it even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, Captain!" Tony shooed at Steve with his hands.

Steve drained the rest of his beer and winked at the man as Clint slid out of the booth to let him out. Clint grinned and took a seat next to Tony as Steve stood up and fixed his collar. He straightened his back, inhaled, turned around and went for the bar.

He approached the woman cautiously and stopped behind her for a moment just to appreciate her curves. He tapped her lightly on a shoulder and was rewarded with a wide smile that he returned in kind before he put his hand on her waist, turned her to face him and proceeded to plant a kiss right on those bright red lips. He figured what the hell and gave it all he had as he shifted them around until he had her bent backwards, her arms wrapped around his neck and one of her feet kicked up in the air behind him.

There was a wolf whistle, most likely from Clint, and then Steve straightened them back up, hunching over and resting his forehead against hers. She kept smiling up at him, her fingers playing with the short hairs on the back of his neck. "Hey, soldier. I was looking for you. I almost couldn't believe it when Nat told me Stark managed to talk you into going out to a bar."

Steve huffed out a small laugh and straightened up. "Tony has a way of getting you to agree to things without realizing what it is you're agreeing to. But I'm glad you found me. What do you say we ditch this joint?"

Darcy beamed up at him and hooked a finger in his belt loop. "Sounds like a plan to me."

Steve grinned. "They did call me the man with a plan for a reason."

Darcy hummed. "Just you wait 'til you see what I've got in store for you tonight," she said before yanking him in for another kiss.

Clint slid a few napkins over in front of Tony. He could honestly say he had never seen a spit take quite so dramatic in real life. Whiskey dribbled down Tony's chin, joining the liquid on the table.

Tony watched as Steve and the woman sauntered out of the bar, her hand deep in his back pocket. He turned to Clint. "What the fuck?"

Clint shrugged. "Dunno, man. Guys got game. Chicks dig the apple pie, boy-next-door shit."

Tony looked lost. "Did Reed open a dimensional portal without telling us again? This isn't possible. I feel like my entire life is a lie."

Clint shook his head. "Sorry, but it looks like I'll be taking my lessons from him now on," he said as he patted Tony on the back and slid out of the booth to leave.

Tony watched Clint exit the bar before thumping his head on the table. He needed another drink before he could even begin to comprehend what had just happened.


End file.
